There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
