My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
