be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Two words: nipple clamps
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