I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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