you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
