my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Randomize
