I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
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