First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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