just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
