just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
