How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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