my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
