My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
