apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
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are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
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Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
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