The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
