she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
