he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
