Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
How's work?
Spinning.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
