So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
