Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
