yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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