Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
