Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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