I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I can't put those talents on a resume
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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