well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
