please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
