I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
