And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
