We won't sleep together?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
