My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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