Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
