My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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