So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
