I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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