I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
