So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
