Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
