The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
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is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
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He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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