I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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