that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
