blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
