I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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