If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
