I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
