when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
