happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
