I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
