I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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