no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
