I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
