its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
True strength comes from lack of pants
Randomize
