how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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