Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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