Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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