I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
