Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
