Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
