I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
