I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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